Allen's Secrets
by Kaosu Buraindo
Summary: Allen makes a book telling about all his Lady-Snagging secrets. Take notes, men!


  
Lol, this is weird. A little book on how to snag women. Take notes, men! I know Allen isn't this full of himself, but it's fun to pretend! ^_^   
Warnings: Umm...I'm not sure if this is Allen bashing.   
Disclaimer: I don't own Escaflowne or Allen. I do own this book though. HAH! I'll make millions!!! *cackles insanely*   
  
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Welcome, Gentlemen to the first chapter of "How to Snag a Lady"  
This chapter will be all about looks. Yah gotta have looks. If your ugly, the only thing swooning over you will be a prostitute when she sees the size of your wallet.  
Now, I know what your thinking: "What looks are hot, and whats not?" Well you simpleton, isn't it obvious? There are only a few things you need to be hot  
1. Long blond hair. Common! what anime character with long blond hair, isn't hot? It's all you need! If it's not long, grow it. If it's not blond, die it. It's that simple, if you've got long blond hair, you've got it MADE.  
2.A sword. Common, chicks dig guys with swords. If you don't got a sword, go get one! You don't have to know how to use it, you think I do? Just go out and buy one, and carry it around with you. If a girl sees you with a sword, a Zaibach attack aint gonna stop her from pouncing yah.  
3.Gotta be a pretty boy. What pretty boys don't get covered in girls? How do you become a pretty boy? Long hair is a first. Be VAIN for crying out loud! If you get dirty, yah gotta make a huge fuss about it. And...well...just, be pretty! Bishonen are usually pretty boys. If you're a bishonen, your automatically capable of being a pretty boy. Pretty boys often can't fight...well, In Anime they can...

Thats about all you need in the looks department. If you got it, you got it. If you don't got it....WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU WAITING FOR??? WHY DO YOU THINK I WROTE THIS BOOK? GET YOUR ASS OUT THERE AND BE SWAUVE!

Chapter Two: How to Act

So, you've made it to chapter two without backing out? Congratulations! Your automaticly qualified to be coverd in ladies!  
Now, this chapter is going to tell you how to act around girls. You've already got the looks figured out, now all you need is the right attitude and your a shoe in! There are a few pointers I should tell yah about:  
1. DON'T LISTEN TO VAN!!! If you find him giving you advice about how to handle women, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T LISTEN!!! He's horrible with that kind of stuff! I don't know how, and I don't care how, just don't listen to him!  
2.Never show this book to ANY girls! I don't care who it is. Your mother, your sister, your cousin, and defiantly NOT your GIRLFRIEND. They're gonna either a) get freaked out or b) laugh at you, then tell all the girls they know about the book. You don't want that, they'll know your bad with women and they find that VERY unattractive.  
Well thats about it, you should keep those two pointers in mind at all times. Now, let's get on with the lessons.  
First off, you gotta act cool. I don't mean hip kinda cool, I mean calm and collected kinda cool. The other cool comes later. When your around woman, you can't turn into a piece of jello! No knee's shacking, no stuttering, no cracked voice, no forgetting what to say, NONE, NADDA, ZIPPO! If you do that, they're not gonna be interested. You have to act cool, calm, slick, groovy...yah know, cool! They'll be melting like butter if you keep up that attitude!  
Next thing you should know, is that women LOVE men who are sensitive! Now, I don't mean that you have to start bawling every time she says something sad. That's just being a whimp. I mean, you gotta hug her when she's sad, and tell her everything's gonna be okay. You gotta act all sweet and nice. You gotta look hurt when she insults you, that means absolutely NO ACTING BUFF! They HATE men who act like they can take anything on, and maybe cry a little bit during sad movies. I don't care if you have to fake cry! Just act sensitive!  
Then you gotta start appreciating her. I know, I know "Yeah right! next you'll tell me to buy her gifts!" Well, I hate to say this, but you gotta do that too. You have to appreciate everything she does for you. You gotta buy her flowers once and a while. Yah gotta think about her before doing something. I know this all seems hard, and it is, but you have to do it, even if your faking! Just ask appreciative!

Now, your probably wondering how all this mushy stuff is suppose to make you look sexy. Well, it doesn't, it makes you dateable. Now, to be SEXY!  
Mustles, you gotta have a good build. If your scrawny, well, women just don't got for that. If you are skinny, start working out! Your not gonna get anywhere with that kinda body!  
Next, yah gotta flatter them. They LOVE it when you flatter them. Lie if you have to! As long as it works, who really cares!  
Speaking of lieing, honesty is NEVER the best pollicy. Don't be honest,or your gonna lose all the good ones. Lie about her looks, lie about never having a girlfriend, lie lie lie! It gets you everywhere! Trust me, I know. You think Hitomi and Millerna were impressed when they found out I banged Millerna's sister and had a kid with her? NOPE! That's why I lied about it...but they found out. Luckily, it didn't really change anything because I'm so damn fine! If you get to that level, nothing will stop you!  
Walk the walk, talk the talk. Get with the program. You have to be able to carry on a good conversation with her, even though you have bigger plans then talking.  
Well, that's about all I can say with that, until my next book, keep those ladies rollin' in!

Allen Schezar.


End file.
